Some Not-So-Nice Stories From The Back Of The Bus

 

“I was at this restaurant last night,” said Ed to no one in particular, “and had a plate of buffalo wings and a whole pitcher of Bud. You know, what goes in has to come out...and eventually, I found myself in the men’s. But wouldn’t you know, every urinal was occupied. Seems pitchers were popular that night.”

“Willya get to the point, Ed?”

“So I went into a stall...and Jesus H. Gretzky on a Chicken-in-a-Biskit, I saw it. Coiled in the bottom of the bowl like a brown python, ready to strike.”

“Oh, no, not one of those stories again!”

“Man, it was a sight to behold...all in one piece, too, which is not common...hey, Der, were you there earlier that night? The name of the place is -- ”

“Ed, how long have you been with this team?”

“Uh...about four years. Why?”

“Because you should know this by now...” Derian leaned way into Ed’s face. “Stars FLUSH!!!”

“Okay.” Silence. For a moment. “You know those Christmas programs they have back East where they show a Yule log burning in the fireplace...and nothing else?” Murmurs of assent. “”Well, I think we should make a show like that. Only instead of a burning Yule log, we show a steaming Captain’s log...”

“Ahhh, Christ, Ed, what’s wrong with you tonight?”

“We feed Big D a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, and soon, instead of going to the bathroom, he goes to the fireplace...”

“Where’s my bag? I need some stick tape to shut this goalie up...”

“And his log is gonna be soooooo big that it’s gonna steam for a good long time...long enough for a nice medley of Christmas carols in the background...and Jamie can pop in and drop some little Lag-logs, for variety’s sake...”

“...and then we all come and shove your face in it, Ed!”

“Geez, guys, where’s your holiday spirit?” Another silence. “Hey, Der...take a look at this pamphlet I got in the mail.” Ed stepped forward and handed Derian a four-page pamphlet.

“Secrets of Robust Health?”

“It’s all about parasites, man. Especially butt parasites, the very worst kind...up to 95% of North Americans have some sort of parasites living in their bodies. Did you know that?”

“No, and I never wanted to know.”

“Quote: ‘Parasites are found in highest concentrations in commercial pork products...’ Watch it with the bacon, guys.”

“Hey, I’ve seen that pamphlet before. Dr. Dean Edell says it’s bullshit. It’s nothing but a scam made to sell their so-called ‘cleansing program’. Go to www.healthcentral.com and -- ”

“Shut up, Marty. The big goalie is speaking...I think you’d better be careful, Der, about Jamie.”

“Why?”

“Does he eat pork and other meats?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then he’s probably got parasites in his ass, and when you guys ‘get together’ those little suckers may try to crawl up your dick -- ummmmpppppph!”

“Thanks, Der. A moldy towel plugs up nasty stories like...like Ed plugs up our goal.”

 

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