Celebrity Jeopardy -- Dallas Stars Style!
Written by: Alex
Host: Alex Trebek
Guest Contestants: Jamie Langenbrunner, Brett Hull and Mike Modano
Alex: Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Dallas Stars edition. Our contestants
for tonight's game are Jamie Langenbrooner, forward for the Dal-
(Langenbrunner cuts him off.)
Langenbrunner (politely): Actually, it's Langen-BRUNN-er, not Langen-BROON-er.
Alex: Yes, Langengrubber. (Langenbrunner balks) Next up is Brett Hull, superstar for the Dallas Stars.
Hull: You know, I never liked this show.
Alex: Excuse me?
Hull: Your show. It sucks. And that is SO a hairpiece. (snickers and points)
Alex: It is NOT! (pats his toupee) Okay, our final contestant is the handsome, wealthy, available Mike Madonna, who enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners.
Modano: Actually, my name is Mike MODANO.
Alex: Ah yes, whatever. The categories for today's show are "Mario Lemieux", "Name That Ref", "Show Tunes", "Potent Potables", "NHL Geography", and "Past Stanley Cup Champions". Mr. Langengoober, take it away.
Langenbrunner: The name is Langenbrunner.
Alex: Pick a category, Mr. Langendrummer. We don't have all day.
Langenbrunner (sighs): I'll take "Mario Lemieux" for $200, Mr. Trebek.
Alex: Trebek. Name a trophy Mario Lemieux HASN'T won.
(Langenbrunner raises his hand. Modano buzzes in.)
Alex: Mr. Madonna?
Modano: Mr. Modano.
Alex: No, my name is Mr. Trebek, the best gameshow host ever. (Modano groans) What's the answer?
Modano: The Art Ross?
Alex: Sorry. Anyone else? Mr. Hull?
Hull: I am getting pretty frickin' sick of hearing about "Mario Lemieux" this, and "Mario Lemieux" that. What about ME? My needs are being neglected! All the league's done for the last five months is shove frickin' Mario Lemieux down our frickin' throats. What the [bleep] is this now, the Mario Hockey League? I'm sick of this goddammed Mario lovefest. I'm so sick I could vom -
(Trebek cuts him off)
Alex: Ooh, you're out of time. The answer was the Norris Trophy, sorry Mr. Hull. Okay, please pick a category, Mr. Langenbooger.
Langenbrunner: (giving up on trying to correct Trebek) Okay, "Name That Ref" for $400, Alex.
Alex: He once played in the WHA and also recently recovered from cancer.
(Modano buzzes in)
Alex: Mr. Modondo?
Modano: You mean Modano? (haughtily fluffs bouffant)
Alex: Yeah, whatever you just said. What's the answer?
Modano: Uhm, Andy Van Hellemond?
Alex: (Mutters under breath. Picked up by mic.) You really ARE a dumb blonde...
Alex: Sorry, wrong answer. Anyone else?
Hull: (Buzzes in.) PICK ME! ME! ME!
Alex: Mr. Hull?
Hull: That fat-headed jackass, Paul Stewart! That stupid moron should be banned from the game of hockey! Yeah, it's nice he beat cancer and all, but that doesn't give him the right to be a royal pain in the a-
(Cut off once again by Trebek.)
Alex: Hmmmm, that IS the right answer, I think, but that tirade really was in bad taste... (Looks to someone offstage.) Should we give it to him?
Stagehand: (Whispers loudly.) Yes.
Alex: Okay, Mr. Hull, we'll give it to you, but just because we're feeling particularly nice today, here at Merv Griffin Enterprises...please pick the next category.
Hull: "NHL Geography" for $600, Mickey.
Alex: I'm not "Mickey", I'm Alex. Don't tell me you're another Canadian who hasn't heard of me or my show.
Hull: Sorry, just for a second, I thought you were Mickey Redmond. You're just not buzzed on ginger ale right now... (Snorts.)
Alex: Okay, let's get to the questions. This country boasts two Olympic champs in Dominik Hasek and Jaromir Jagr. (Says Jaromir Jagr like country po-dunk fan from Dallas, Texas.)
Langenbrunner: (Buzzes in.)
Alex: Mr. Langendrubber?
Langenbrunner: (Frowns.) What is Slovakia?
Alex: Sorry, that's wrong. (Hull buzzes in.) Mr. Hull?
Hull: What is...uhm...er...uh... What is Ermania?
Alex: You just made that up!
Hull: At least I gave it a shot!
(Modano buzzes in.)
Alex: Mr. Midini?
Alex: Are you going to answer the question?
Modano: My NAME is Modano, got it?
Alex: Tick tick tick, Mr. Modanado.
Modano: (Shrilly.) THE NAME IS MODANO!
Alex: Sorry, time's up. The answer is Czech Republic. Mr. Langentoober, you've got control of the board. (Langenbrunner frowns.)
Langenbrunner: Okay, "Past Stanley Cup Champions" for $400.
Alex: In 1999, Joe Juneau claimed that THIS team had not actually won the Cup. Name the team.
Hull: Buzz, buzz! (Doesn't buzz in.)
Alex: Mr. Hull, you've got to press the button on your buzzer. (Hull looks down and presses.) Okay, what's the answer, Mr. Hull?
Hull: Those whiny, faggy little "no goal" asswipes can kiss my fat ass! All they do is whine about how they got screwed over by the league! It was a dumb rule! We won, fair and square, so quit your whining, you stupid-ass Buffalo Sabre penis munchers! Pant pant pant.
(Hyperventilates. Modano and Langenbrunner edge away from Hull.)
Alex: Unfortunately, Mr. Hull, that is the wrong answer. Anyone else?
Modano: (Buzzes in.)
Alex: Mr. Madondo?
Modano: (Frowns.) Who are the Buffalo Sabres! (Realizes he's given the wrong answer and whacks himself upside the head.)
Alex: Sorry. Mr. Langenboober?
Langenbrunner: For the LAST time, Trebek, the name is LANGENBRUNNER! (Annoyed as hell.)
Alex: Just answer the question, Mr. Langenbunner. Chop chop! You're running out of time! (Taps watch.)
Langenbrunner: Who are the Dallas... uhm, MemoStars? (Modano whacks him in the head with his buzzer.) Owww! Whaddaya do THAT for, Mike?!
Modano: You tool!
Alex: Sorry, the answer is Dallas Stars. Mr. Hull, you have control of the board.
Hull: I'll take "NHL Geography" for $600.
Alex: This team's hometown nickname is Hockeytown.
Hull: Buzz! I mean - (Buzzes in.)
Alex: All right, Mr. Hull! You remembered! Very good. What's your answer?
Hull: Denver, Colorado!
Alex: Uh, no. Mr. Madano?
Modano: What is...uh, Quebec?
Alex: Sorry, Mr. Madanado. Quebec is a province, not a city. Mr. Langendummer?
Langenbrunner: (Unsure.) What is Detroit?
Alex: Finally, someone gives a right answer! Hallelujah! (Claps his hands.)
Langenbrunner: Do I win a prize?
Alex: Okay, Mr. Langenbooner, pick the next category.
Langenbrunner: Uh, "NHL Geography" for $400, Alex.
Alex: Okay, this country is the birthplace of Sergei Fedorov.
Hull: (Buzzes in.)
Alex: Okay, Mr. Hull, what's the answer?
Hull: (Thinks for a minute, realizes he buzzed in prematurely.) What is... Pedophilia?
Alex: What? PedoPHILIA? (Confused.)
Hull: DAMMIT! (Hits himself on the forehead.)
Alex: Okay, Mr. Madanana?
Modano: What is... Germania? (Scratches head.)
Alex: Sorry. Mr. Langennubber?
Langenbrunner: What is Russia?
Alex: Sorry, we were looking for the USSR. At the time of his birth, it was the USSR, not Russia.
Langenbrunner: That is SO cheap! (Slams down buzzer.) I'm not playing anymore!
(Storms off set.) The [beep]ing jackass can't even remember my NAME, for Christ's
Alex: Okay, it's time for Final Jeopardy, anyway. The answer is "Famous Goalscorers". We'll be back from our commercial break in a few minutes.
Alex: Welcome back to Final Jeopardy. We've only got two contestants left because Mr. Langenrudder stormed off the set. Mr. Modano is leading with one dollar, while Mr. Hull is in second with negative $100,000... All right, here's the question. This man scored his 500th career goal against Patrick Roy and his 600th career goal against Tommy Salo. Name him. You've got thirty seconds.
Alex: Okay, Mr. Hull, since you were in last place, we'll start with you...What
did you put down... (Looks at the answer.) Sorry, five pages of your ranting
about your bowel movements, how the league screwed you over in the salary department
and how Eddie Belfour smells like beer and "ass" is not
the right answer.
Hull: I've got a lot on my mind, and I need to be heard, Mr. Terbek.
Alex: You actually bet money, so you're now at negative $100,000,000... (Moves
to Modano.) All right, Mr. Madanada, you were the only player to be on the even
side of things. You put down: Brett Hull...my secret gay lover. How I would
love to see him out of his jock. I want to do dirty things to...
(Trails off and shoots Modano an "odd" look.)
Modano: (Blushes.) I didn't know you were going to read those out loud! (Hull hits Modano in the arm and then stares at his hand as if he's suddenly become "gay" too.)
Alex: Sorry, that's not right either... (Moves away from Modano.) The CORRECT answer was Steve Yzerman. (Says Yzerman like "Yize-er-man".) You wagered two dollars, very brave of you. You're left with negative one dollar... Which makes you this show's winner! Congratulations. Prizes for the runner up include a feminine hygiene kit and a trip to the Easter Islands.
Hull: This show is a [beep]ing rip off! Merv Griffin can kiss my ASS! (Turns around and pulls down pants, mooning audience. Security guards come and drag him away.)
Alex: That ends tonight's ENTHRALLING episode of Jeopardy! So long folks.
FADE TO BLACK