Love and the Interrupted Lube
Atop a bed with an elaborate brass headboard, underneath a tiger-print comforter, we see a silver cylinder with a bowl on top...a young man with brown hair...and a bigger man with golden hair.
The silver cylinder does nothing. But the two men kiss...and kiss...and kiss...their lips locked on to each other as if attached with Superglue.
When they finally break it up, the golden-haired man speaks.
Derian: You ready, Jamie?
Jamie: Oh, yes, Derian.
Derian smiles down at his truelove, then reaches for a sixteen-ounce bottle of vanilla-scented personal lubricant.
And then...someone knocks on the door. Derian freezes.
Derian: Oh, shit.
Jamie: I think we'd better answer it. It could be someone needing a jumpstart.
Derian gets out of bed and wraps a terrycloth coverup around his waist. It has a print of lion faces on it.
He opens the door to his bad enemies, Chris and Al. They both hold up small boxes labeled UNICEF.
Al: Good evening, Mr. Derian. And Mr. Jamie.
Chris: Cut with the goody-goody crap, Al. (He shakes the empty box in Derian's face.) C'mon, man, give up the coin!
Derian: It's a little early for Halloween, you know. Though those are appropriately ugly masks.
Chris (straight face): These aren't masks, they're our faces.
Derian: And it's nice that you're doing something for a good cause for a change.
Al: Oh, yes. UNICEF is a verrrry good cause.
Chris: It stands for Unspoiled Nubiles Investigating Chris's Erection Fund.
Derian stares coldly at Chris and Al. When he speaks, his voice is low, slow, and dangerous with a big D.
Derian: Get. Out. Now.
Chris: Nnnnnnnhhhhh! (Just like Curly.)
Al: Come on, Chris, let's move on. Mario lives next door, and he will give us lots of coin.
Derian shuts the door.
Derian: Don't you wish everybody used Dial? (Covers his nose.) And Scope?
Jamie crawls under the comforter and sticks his head out the other end.
Derian: I spy...a pair of Oreos, staring right at me.
Jamie: I've got the cookies...and you've got the cream.
He moves toward the bed, but another knock comes on the door.
Derian: Now what the fu...
He opens the door again. A group of angry-looking women face him. They carry picket signs with such slogans as "Valley of the Pervs" and "Probie Is NOT Gay!"
Derian: What is this?
S.T.E.P.: We are the Society for the Termination and Elimination of Puckbunnies.
Derian: Why should I care?
S.T.E.P.: Do you know where the Valley of the Goons is? We're going to burn the place down tonight!
Derian (grinning): It's over the hill to the right and two miles down Concussion Street.
S.T.E.P.: Spoken like a true hockey fan! Thanks, Derian!
The angry women leave.
Jamie: Derian, you gave them the directions to the official Eric Lindros website.
Derian: I know. (Grins.) I like hanging out in the Valley from time to time. And some websites just need burning.
He strolls toward the bed.
Derian: Just like some behinds just need a little probing.
Jamie crawls back under the comforter, giggling.
Derian: Don't fight it, little James. I speak softly, but I carry a HUGE stick.
And then...knock, knock, knock. Jamie sticks his head out from the top of the comforter.
Jamie: Chocolate fudge.
Derian rolls his eyes, hitches up his coverup, and opens the door.
A blast of music -- da-da-da-DA! -- fills the air as Mo bursts into the room, filling it with his magical MO presence.
Mo: Guess whoooooo?
Mo prances around the room, his outfits changing instantly through the magic of editing. While all this is going on, his bouncy theme song blares on the soundtrack:
Mo, Mo, Mo,
He's on the go
He's not a schmo
That's our Mo!
Mo, Mo, Mo
He's never slow
To pick up a ho
That's our Mo!
Derian: Shut UP!
Silence. Even TV soundtracks have to shut up for Big D.
Mo: Come on, Der. This is a MO-ment for all the ladies in the audience.
Derian: My MO-ment with Jamie is being tampered with because you're prancing around like a ho-MO-sexual in my bedroom! So go MO-MO-MOving on!
Mo (Smiles, showing his sparkling white teeth.): Sure this can't convince you?
Derian: MOve your teeth or lose them.
He prances back out the door, his theme song following him.
Jamie: I kind of liked his theme song.
Derian: Well, we're gonna make a great theme song of our own, Jamie...with our bodies.
He moves toward the bed -- again. And guess what happens -- again?
Derian nearly rips open the door...and three men wearing blue unitards bounce into the room. They stand in a dainty little row, each thrusting out his left hip.
Derian: Oh, Christ, more ho-MOs.
Ro-Ro: No, Ro-Ro.
Dom-Dom: We're the Amazing Groin Boys. (Thrusts out his, which is not that impressive.)
Jaromir: You have a very nice, very strong groinal area. (He stares long and hard at Derian's.)
Ro-Ro: Do you have problems in your groinal area?
Derian: Yes, I have a BIG problem in my groinal area: it's not getting satisfied because dickweeds like you keep knocking on my damn door!
Jaromir: And what about you, little seal pup? How is your groin? Let Jaromir take a looky.
Jaromir jumps into bed with Jamie. Jamie lets out a yelp and gets out of bed, wrapping his own coverup -- which has baby seal faces on it -- around his waist.
The Groin Boys gravitate toward Jamie the way ants would to a banana cream pie on a picnic table.
Dom-Dom: What a tasty little groin.
Ro-Ro: The Cadillac of groins.
Jaromir: More groinilicious than Mario!
Derian has had enough of this crap. He gets between Jamie and the Groin Boys and lets his haymaker fly.
POW! Jaromir falls down, knocking Dom-Dom and Ro-Ro down with him like dominoes.
A hysterical woman -- whose face, quite frankly, has seen better days -- bursts into the room and gasps when she sees the unconscious Groin Boys.
Armcandy: My babies! What have you done to my babies, you big, ugly man?
Derian (disgusted): Take out this trash, lady.
Armcandy spits at Derian's feet, then drags her three "babies" out of the room. Derian shuts the door and bolts it.
Jamie's eyebrows perk up, and then he goes to the closet. He finds something very special...a life-size cardboard cutout of Derian. A cutout of a fierce-looking Derian.
He puts it in the window, where everyone outside can see.
Jamie: Now we're safe for the night.
Derian grins, and extends his hand to Jamie. Jamie takes his lover's hand and lets him lead him back to the bed.
And now, Derian picks up the bottle of lube. But instead of using it on himself...
Derian: Here, Jamie.
He gives Jamie the lube bottle. Jamie's eyes widen to the size of Oreos.
Derian: I think it's high time you got a chance to pitch.
And then, they kiss again...and that silver cylinder beside them still does nothing.
But what the hey...that's love, American style.