Listen to What the Fuzzy Says
(A NOTE TO THE READER: Since there are so few pleasant-sounding slang terms for the female genitals, I decided to make one up. Hint: It's in the title of this story.)
Jamie's scream made me jump out of our bed. This was not a scream with an undercurrent of joy or laughter beneath it. It was a scream of pure horror. A scream that I had to take seriously.
I ran to the door of the small bathroom inside our bedroom and opened it without knocking.
"Jamie!" I cried.
Jamie stood in front of the toilet, whose lid and seat were up. His brown eyes were wide, seeming to have grown to the size of dinner plates.
"D-d-darling..." he stammered.
"What's wrong, Jamie?"
Jamie's reply was to pull forward the waistbands of his pajama bottoms and Fruit of the Looms so I could look inside.
I saw dark brown curls. And...nothing else.
"Baby...my J.J.'s gone!" J.J. stood for Jamie, Junior, his pet name for his penis.
"Calm down, Jamie." But my heart was racing as well. What could account for what I saw -- or, more precisely, didn't see -- in Jamie's pants? "Let's take a closer look."
Maybe it's hiding beneath his hair, I thought irrationally. Jamie was not that small. Or it's tucked tightly between his legs.
I brought Jamie's pants down to expose his groin to the light of day, and our worst suspicions were confirmed: Jamie's penis, and its two egg-shaped companions, had gone missing.
But something did peek out from Jamie's pubic hair. Something small and pink...
I gently tapped it with my finger. Jamie flinched.
"Baby, that's sensitive," he noted.
"Put one foot on the toilet seat, Jamie," I requested.
Jamie did, parting his legs just wide enough to show me what had replaced his J.J.
"Jamie...you've got a fuzzy."
"A fu -- " He looked down and picked up a hand mirror from the bathroom counter and placed it under his crotch. His complexion whitened by several shades.
"Oh, my..." His mouth stretched horizontally, like a rubber band, and he let out a grade-A Mr. Chekov scream. He dropped the mirror to the floor.
"I've got women's parts," Jamie moaned, saying the last two words as if they were "pig's feet".
"What's wrong with women's parts?"
"Nothing -- if you're a woman. But I'm not, and that stuff just doesn't belong there." He yanked his underwear back up to hide the sight that offended him.
"Jamie..." I went into my supportive-wife mode, looking for a way to make my man smile again. "At least you have complete women's parts. You can still enjoy climax. And pee."
"Like a woman."
"And you still have your fingers -- and your tongue." I wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You've done amazing things to me with those..."
"Yeah, fingers and tongues can make a woman happy, darling. But...they're not my J.J." Tears shimmered at lower edges of Jamie's eyes. "And without my J.J....it just won't be the same."
No, it would not. No amount of TLC or reassurance could change that. Our sex life had suddenly become chicken noodle soup -- without the noodles.
I would miss Jamie's J.J. just as much as he did. I would miss the smooth tender skin that sheathed sometimes soft tissue and sometimes hard steel. I would miss the shy way it entered me, as if it were a pilgrim timidly approaching a holy shrine...and then, as his sexual hunger grew, it would become bolder, asserting itself, moving like a king in his castle. I would miss its solidness, its strength, its warmth. I would miss the joy it gave me...and Jamie.
I held on to this one hopeful thought: If it disappeared this suddenly...it could reappear just as suddenly, too.
The trick was to find out why in the first case, and how in the second.
"What am I going to do?" sobbed Jamie.
"Well...first you and I are going to put on our clothes. Then we are going to the hardware store to pick up a new gas grill, and then to the grocery store to pick up food for the barbecue we're hosting tomorrow."
"I don't wanna go out --ever again." Jamie looked down shamefully at his crotch.
"But that grill is going to be mighty heavy. I can't lift it all by my little old self. I need a big, strong man to help me." I tapped Jamie's chest -- still hard despite the loss of his testosterone-producing glands -- on the words "big" and "strong". "You're not going to let me do it alone, are you...?"
Jamie shook his head.
"No. I can't." He walked out of the bathroom, and I followed.
Jamie opened his sock drawer, fashioned a phallus-shaped roll out of two white athletic socks, and tucked it into his brief -- the front side, of course.
"There. Now I can go out."
* * *
Jamie's makeshift prosthesis, though it made a considerable bulge in his jeans, was not enough to bring back his confidence. His normally soft, smiling mouth was a thin, grim line, his facial features frozen in a scrunch, as if an open container of sour milk was dangling in front of his nose.
And why ever not? A rolled-up pair of socks was not a penis.
When we entered the hardware store, Jamie's brown eyes glanced back and forth, checking the faces of each person he passed.
I knew what he was doing. He wanted to know if they could tell. A few women gave him an appreciative look; I doubted that they could tell.
When we got to the grill section, I asked,
"Which one do you like best?"
"Uh..." Jamie hung his head. "You decide. They all look good to me."
"But, Jamie...you were looking forward to picking out the grill. You wanted one that would respond best to your 'magic' touch."
"Well, my touch probably isn't magic anymore. So it's not going to make a difference which grill we get."
It's as if he feels he has no right to make a man's decisions...only because he doesn't have a man's genitals.
How can I help him?
Bring back his J.J. Nothing less will do.
"Okay..." I picked out a model that would be large enough to handle a barbecue for a horde of hungry hockey players, and asked the salesman to send one to the pick-up area. Jamie said nothing.
I also picked out some grilling utensils and paid for them at the counter. As we walked towards the exit, Jamie's face turned crimson.
"Jamie...what's the matter now?"
"Darling...I gotta go...well..." Jamie tilted his head in the direction of the restrooms.
"But which door do I go through?"
"The one with the short word on it, of course."
"But I'm gonna have to...sit down!" Jamie spoke in the distressed voice of a relative of an emergency-room patient. "What if someone sees me?"
"Jamie, more guys than you know go in the stall to pee."
"But not me! God, what if Hullie catches me in there?" Even though we'd seen no sign of Hullie or any other of Jamie's teammates in the store. "You know what he'd say?" Jamie went into a pitch-perfect imitation of Hullie's gravelly voice. "What's goin' down in here, Lags? Sittin' down to tinkle, hmmm? What's the matter, afraid to show off your love tool? I know it ain't enough to make a grown man cry."
"Jamie." I gently nudged him towards the men's room. "If I see Hullie or any of the guys, I'll tell them the men's room is closed for cleaning."
Minutes later, Jamie came running out, quickly grabbing the shopping bag containing the utensils and holding it in front of his crotch.
"When I pulled down my pants, the sock roll fell in the toilet," he explained. "That was bad enough. Just as I was finishing up, I heard someone come in. I thought, oh, no, I'm gonna have to walk out of the stall and be seen! But then I cut a loud one, and then I dropped Mr. Brown off at the pool, so I didn't feel too bad after that."
"In more ways than one."
Back in the car, Jamie removed the socks he was wearing and made another fake-penis roll. But he didn't volunteer to help the young man at the pick-up station put the grill in the back seat of our SUV, and I was the one who had to unlock the back.
When I returned to the front seat, Jamie had gotten into the passenger seat and curled into the fetal position.
"Baby, can you drive the rest of the trip?" he asked, his eyes pleading.
This is getting ridiculous, I thought at once, then castigated myself. How could I judge how upset Jamie had a right to be? If I had suffered a major loss, I wouldn't want to drive, either.
I took us to the grocery store, and Jamie would not go inside. So it was up to me to buy the menu for the barbecue -- burgers, chicken, country-style ribs, corn on the cob, pasta salad, burger buns, barbecue sauce, meat spices, chips and dips, sodas, wine coolers, and beer. I "forgot" to buy onions, peppers, tabasco sauce, and guacamole, the spicy foods that Jamie loved and I didn't, mostly because of what they did to his breath.
* * *
As we assembled the grill in the back yard, Jamie lifted his head suddenly.
"Did you say something, darling?"
"That's strange..." He looked around the yard. "I thought I heard a woman's voice."
And then, we both heard it: ~*~*~derian~*~*~
Both of us checked out the surroundings. The only two human beings we could see were ourselves. And the birds in the trees and the bugs in the grass couldn't talk.
"I think it's coming from..."
I kneeled in front of Jamie, placing an ear to his crotch. Then, I reached into his shorts and took out the mock-penis. Jamie blanched.
Jamie's fuzzy spoke again. Yes, it had a voice. A sweet, girlish voice. And this voice had just one word to say:
"Derian?" Jamie's eyebrows shot up. "Why would it say --" He clamped a hand over his mouth. "Oh, geez, no."
"Remember what I said at dinner last night? About all the girls who go ga-ga for Mo?"
"I said that if I were a girl, I'd prefer Derian." Jamie blinked his eyes. "And the Higher Power decided to put the joke on me." He threw down the screwdriver he was holding. "Ha, ha, this is so funny that I forgot to laugh!"
Jamie ran into the house. I followed him closely.
I found him in the bedroom, lying on the bed. He covered his hips with a pillow to muffle his fuzzy's outrageous request.
"My mom and dad once said that words were powerful, so choose them with care. They were right.
"Tomorrow, I could wake up and find that my chest has sprouted big boobs. The next day, I'll look behind me and see a cute, round butt."
You already have a cute, round butt, I almost said, but for mercy's sake I bit my tongue.
"Piece by piece, I'll become a woman. And my life as I know it will be gone forever. I won't be able to play in the NHL...or be your husband."
Two tears fell upon Jamie's cheeks, sparkling in the sunlight that streamed through the bedroom window. "I'm so scared, baby..."
"Oh, Jamie..." I got into bed with him and enclosed him in my arms. It was all I could do. "No matter what happens, I am still your wife. And I promise, I won't treat you any differently!"
"Not only does my fuzzy talk..." Jamie looked down at it. "It feels funny."
"Like it's really hungry...and it wants to be filled up."
I know that feeling well, Jamie.
"God." Jamie shoved the pillow between his legs. "It's almost like itching, but not quite...I feel like rubbing it against something."
Rubbing it against something...
"Jamie...take off your pants. I think I can do something for your fuzzy."
Jamie silently obeyed. His fuzzy gave off a powerful fuzzy-smell, and I hesitated.
Normally, I would rather sink my fingers into a pile of steaming manure -- fresh from the cow, no less -- than into female
genitals not my own.
But I had made a promise to my husband: I won't treat you any differently! And if Jamie still had a penis and were sexually in need, I wouldn't think twice about it.
Keeping my eyes on his face, I let my hand go down...
As soon as my fingers touched the dark curls down below, I heard an eardrum-splitting shriek!
Instantly, I drew my hand back. That was not a shriek I could defy.
((((((Nononono!!!))) the fuzzy cried. ~*~*~Derian.~*~*~
"Jamie..." I hesitated, knowing the full implications of my conclusion. "It only wants one person." My words tumbled out of my mouth. "Maybe if you spoke to Derian...maybe he can help -- "
"No. Absolutely not." Jamie shook his head earnestly. "I can't ask him to do such a thing. That's cheating on both our parts."
"But your fuzzy is pleading. You're suffering. I can't bear to see you suffer."
"My fuzzy can plead from now until Judgement Day, but it's not going to get any piece of Derian."
~*~*~Derian! Derian!~*~*~ cried the fuzzy.
"No, I'm sorry, little fuzzy. I only like girls." He gave me a determined look. "It wouldn't even matter if Derian and I were single. The thought of another man touching me sexually makes me want to puke!"
He grabbed another pillow and wrapped it around his head.
"I'm going to take a nap and hope to wake up from this nightmare," he said.
"Okay." I patted his shoulder. "I'll make pork chops and macaroni for dinner tonight."
"Thanks, darling." He squeezed my hand, but his face remained distressed.
Jamie's head nestled into the pillow, and I quietly left the bedroom and closed the door.
On the way to the kitchen to defrost the pork chops, I stopped at the phone. I opened Jamie's address book and looked up a certain name. I dialed the seven digits next to the name and listened to the phone hum at the other end.
It's all I can do...and I hope my hunch is correct.
* * *
The hum of the dishwasher and the low murmurs of the sitcom Jamie was watching blended into a calming white noise as I puttered anxiously around the house, waiting for the knock on the door that might -- I hoped -- be Jamie's salvation.
Jamie fidgeted on the couch, still holding the pillow between his legs, trying to pacify his fuzzy and quiet its voice at the same time, and succeeding at neither. The voice made its way through the goosedown: ~*~*~Derianderianderianderianderian~*~*~
"Fuzzy," pleaded Jamie, "please. Pretty please. Be quiet."
Suddenly, three heavy knocks came down on our front door. Both of us jumped.
"I'll get it," I said.
I opened the door...and behind it was the hero of the day.
"Hello there, love bugs."
Jamie seemed to float out of his seat as our living room seemed to get smaller...filling up with a tall, blond, raw and masculine presence.
"Derian..." he gasped. "What are you doing here?"
"Your wife called me up." Derian's stare pointed straight at Jamie's fly. "She said you had a little...problem."
Jamie shot me a wide-eyed, panicked look.
"Don't you be angry with her, Jamie. She knows what's best for your sorry hide. Now, you've got a problem between your legs, and I'm the only one who can solve it." Derian's turquoise eyes burned with determination. "And I intend to do it too, Jamie."
Jamie could not refuse. Derian was his captain. He stood five inches taller and was thirty-odd pounds heavier.
And his fuzzy was screaming: ~*~*~Derian! Derian! Derian!~*~*~
Derian took off his brown leather bomber jacket and hung it on the coat rack. He wore a white T-shirt and blue jeans underneath -- and both garments clung to his muscles like a hungry lover.
Where an artist would draw Jamie with curves and ovals, Derian was angles and planes. His face, torso and hips were square, reminding me of blocks. Blocks were solid and made to support. Just like Derian.
"Bedroom, Jamie. Now."
Jamie stood up meekly and walked upstairs to our bedroom. Derian followed close behind, and I took up the rear, my heart pounding at how Derian was going to solve Jamie's problem...
* * *
I turned on only one bedroom lamp, to create an intimate, arousing mood. Derian stood at the foot of our bed and unbuttoned his jeans with the cool of a stud who knew what was going down.
I quickly turned away and helped Jamie to undress. He was too deep in sexual thrall to take practical action.
Sweat already required me to peel his thin white T-shirt off his skin. I brushed my fingers against his torso, and his skin hummed with raging blood.
When I took down his sweatpants, I gasped at the saturation in his crotch that made his underpants gray. I could smell the unmistakable aroma of aroused female parts. I knew the smell from the times Jamie had kissed me right after licking me "down there".
"Man, I can smell you all the way from here," called Derian. "You need fucking like macaroni needs cheese."
"I know it." Jamie finally surrendered to his fuzzy's craving. "Only you can do it, Derian."
"That's my real first name. Do-It Derian." The big man chuckled.
"Do you have a name for your...ah, thing?" asked Jamie. "I call -- called mine J.J. Jamie, Junior."
"Aw. How cute." Derian yanked down his underpants. "This here is Big D."
Big D was big indeed, a raw, red hunk of man-meat growing tall out of short, amber-colored curls. Derian moved to drop his underpants on a chair, and his plump testes swayed beneath their hairy pouch. The aroma of Derian's man-spice wafted in the air, joining Jamie's fuzzy-smell to create a sexual scent that made me cream.
Jamie lowered his rear end to the bed and leaned back. His eyes were wide and terrified, his arms and chest trembling anxiously.
But his fuzzy was far less hesitant. His legs came open, one knee pointing up to the ceiling, and his hips arched forward.
~*~*~Derian,~*~*~ said the fuzzy.
"Do you want me to leave the room?" I asked Jamie. Please say no.
"I want you to stay, darling. It will feel less like cheating if you're here."
"Please don't think of it as cheating." I held Jamie's hand and kissed the soft pale palm. "Think of it as healing."
"I am oh-so-ready to heal." Derian kneeled between Jamie's open legs. Big D was flagpole-upright, its veins jutting out like the Rocky Mountains on a relief map.
~*~*~Derian!!!~*~*~ screamed the frenzied fuzzy as its dream man got closer and closer.
"You'd better get started, Derian," gasped Jamie. His wide eyes let me look into his thoughts...I don't want to do this, darling. I'm so afraid of how good it's going to feel...but if I don't do something to ease this need, I'll go insane.
Derian placed his forearms on either side of Jamie's head.
"Open for me, Jamie," he commanded.
Jamie's legs opened wider, and Derian lowered his body onto his teammate. Big D's head touched the outer lips of Jamie's fuzzy, then -- with a subtle push of Derian's hips -- entered the wet, hungry chamber.
"Oh," gasped Jamie. "Oh-h-h-h-h -- "
~*~*~Mmmmmmmmm~*~*~ said the fuzzy, satisfied at long last.
Derian's hard white buttocks pumped with sensuous rhythm between Jamie's fuzz-covered thighs. The dewy sweat on their skin shimmered like tiny pearl drops in the candlelight.
They sang a duet of the apex of desire...Jamie's high-pitched yelps blending with Derian's bass grunts...
I marveled at the scene. How intimate Jamie was with his captain now...
"You're really good down there, Jamie," purred Derian. "It's so hot inside of you. And so -- nnnngggghhhh -- tight...it's like you have a hungry mouth just wanting to eat me all up..."
"Yeah..." Jamie's lush-lipped mouth opened wide in ecstasy. "Ohhhh...oh, Derian, fuck me. Fuck me!"
I jumped at the sound of that word. A word I had never heard Jamie use. Not when he caught a stick blade in the chin. Not when he was in the throes of orgasm.
"Don't worry, Jamie. I'm gonna keep on fucking you until we both come..."
Derian pushed himself upward, supporting himself on his arms, and now I could see it all. His erection pistoned in and out of Jamie's fuzzy, getting streaked with Jamie's excitement with each deep thrust. Watching Derian in the act of sex was like watching a thoroughbred cover his mare.
At that moment, I envied Jamie fiercely. I wanted to be the one to lie underneath such power, to have my body shudder
with each magnificent thrust, to enclose that hot, hard shaft into my own juicy little fuzzy...
Do me next, Derian, I almost said out loud.
NO! Don't even think like that, I warned myself. You belong to Jamie, no matter what he has between his legs. Remember that!
"You've got your finger on my trigger, Jamie," growled Derian, "and Big D is about to go off!"
"Derian," gasped Jamie.
"You gonna come, man?"
"I...I..." Jamie's inability to form a coherent sentence effectively answered the question. "DERIAN!!!"
Jamie squeezed his eyes shut, threw back his head, and opened his mouth wide, setting free a howl of ecstasy. His feet cringed to the shape of crescent moons. He clawed at Derian's back like a she-cat maddened with heat.
"Oh, God, Jamie." Derian spoke through tightly clenched teeth. "You're so tight right now. So fucking tight -- "
The muscles from Derian's neck all the way to his butt clenched as he poured his orgasm into Jamie. I could only imagine the white-hot ecstasy that burned in the interlocked genitals of these two men. My own fuzzy tightened, my love-nubbin becoming erect...
Derian's buttocks twitched between Jamie's thighs, and then he slowly withdrew from his teammate. He swung his long legs to the edge of the bed, his broad chest still heaving, his penis still sticking upward, the crown flushed with orgasmic exertion.
A drop of Derian's rich, creamy spunk oozed from the well-ravished folds of Jamie's fuzzy.
~*~*~Thank you, Derian,~*~*~ it said.
And then, the fuzzy dilated, pushing forth...Jamie's male genitalia.
When Jamie saw his J.J. "come home", his smile was as wide as the state we lived in.
"Woo-hoo!" He jumped up and pumped his fists in the air. "I'm a guy again!" Derian and I both smiled in relief. "Thanks, Der!" Jamie gave his captain a hug that was a hearty as a Swanson Hungry-Man dinner.
"My work here is done. Time to wash away the evidence." Derian stood up, then suddenly turned to us. "If you tell my wife about this..." He didn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to.
"We won't. We promise," Jamie spoke for both of us.
Derian entered the bathroom, and Jamie's gaze came down upon me.
"Did you get turned on by what you saw?" he asked in a mild voice.
"Yes, Jamie. Very."
"Good, 'cause -- "
Derian came out of the bathroom, his genitals glowing with Ivory Soap cleanliness.
"Ah..." He grinned as he reached for his jeans. "So that's what it looks like when it's hard."
I looked down. Jamie's J.J. looked soooooo glad to be back where it belonged.
"It wants to come home, darling." Jamie gazed at my face...and then my fuzzy.
"That's my cue to mosey on back to the homestead." Derian, now fully dressed, strolled toward the exit.
"Let me walk you out, Derian." I was still dressed.
"Hurry back, baby," urged Jamie with wide eyes. "My J.J. isn't patient."
I walked Derian to the front door, remembering my eager husband in the back of my mind.
"Thank you so much, Derian." I touched his hand, knowing that he and I would never again be as intimate. "You went above and beyond tonight."
He chuckled. "Don't worry that I made too much of a sacrifice. I got as much out of it as Jamie did." He winked at me. "Now you go take care of the J.J. that needs you."
"I sure will. Good night...and we'll see you at the barbecue tomorrow."
Derian went back to his life...and I went back to mine, which right now was the man waiting for me upstairs.
I found Jamie standing in front of the bed. The meek, hesitant man who couldn't decide on a grill and cringed in the SUV was gone. Here was a bold man, a confident man...a naked and fully erect man.
"My J.J is speaking," he said in a voice that talked to my fuzzy. "You can't hear it, but I feel it." He walked toward me, stopping when our groins touched. The heat of his erection seeped though the thin cotton of my shorts.
"It tells me: Jamie, now that I'm back, show me how much you care. Get me into a place that's warm and sweet, the place where I'm at my best."
Jamie put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me down to the bed.
"It wants fuzzy. Right here, right now. And it doesn't want the fuzzy next door or down the block or in Playboy magazine."
He kneeled between my legs and took down my shorts.
"It wants your fuzzy, darling."
He stood up again and held me by the shoulders, pulling me up onto the bed as he loomed above me. His genitals pressed against mine, the silken hairs of his scrotum tickling the exquisitely aroused folds of my fuzzy.
~*~*~Jamie!~*~*~ I cried.
And then, the hot, aroused body of my husband covered me, sheathing his J.J. within me with one manly thrust. My fuzzy welcomed it the way only it could, tightening around the shaft, moistening it with my desire.
Sometimes, Jamie and I made love. Sometimes, we got it on. Tonight was a getting-it-on night, a night of hard pumping and grunting and Jamie's sweat falling from his hair to my face.
"Ah, bay-beee," purred Jamie. "You've got the perfect fuzzy. My J.J. needs it...like macaroni needs cheese."
"Same here," I gasped as it moved sensuously, forcefully inside of me. "Oh, Jamie -- I don't want it ever to disappear again -- "
"It won't. I'll never speculate about life on the 'other side' again. I know that I need to be a man..." He let out a keening cry. "Your man!"
And then Jamie's J.J. was at its best, shuddering with an orgasm that made him scream. A good scream, this time. And I screamed with him, my fuzzy reaching an apex of its own.
He collapsed onto me, his heaving hips resting in the cradle between my thighs.
"Jamie...your J.J. is back."
"With balls and whistles."
Hungry moist lips found hungry moist lips, and our kiss would have burned the celluloid if it was filmed.
"Now don't you start hankering for Derian's wife," Jamie's horrified expression was only half-joking. "I like what you have down there, and I don't ever want it to change."
"You've got my word on that, Jamie." I reached down and caressed the still-electric skin of his penis. "I'm a J.J. girl -- a J.J.-only girl. And the first J will always be Jamie."
"I like the sound of that." Jamie's fingers tickled my fuzzy. "You know what we're going to do tomorrow?"
"First, there's going to be another J.J.-fuzzy conference. And then, we are going back to the grocery store to get the onions and peppers and tabasco sauce, so Fort Worth can enjoy my breath, too."
"Plus a couple of turkey breasts...for good ol' Derian."