Now That’s What I Call Cookin’!

Cue in upbeat Muzak.

Close-up of a neon sign attached to a brick wall. The sign reads, “Cookin’ in Big D”.

Camera pans across an applauding audience composed mostly of women, with a few gay guys thrown in. It comes right up to the host of this program, Bruce Brown. Bruce wears a vanilla-colored suit and a pink silk shirt. The pink clashes with his orangish fake-tan lotion.

Bruce: Welcome, welcome to another fantastic episode of “Cookin’ in Big D”. As you all know, this is Stars Week. Yesterday, our cute little Mikey Mo demostrated his excellent syllabub. Today, Derian and Jamie have come to prove that Texas cookin’ is more than just barbecue and chili!

Derian and Jamie come out, wearing their Stars jerseys and shorts. The appreciative audience claps and whistles.

Bruce (looking them up and down): Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Jamie: Hey there, Bruce.

Derian: I never miss this show.

There’s more sarcasm in Derian’s voice than there is cholesterol in a Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, but Bruce does not hear it.

Bruce: You’re going to demonstrate a dish that you two invented yourselves, right?

Jamie: Yes. It’s called a Langenfluffernutter.

Bruce: A Langenfluffernutter? (With the high-pitched whine of a kiddie-show host) What’s that?

Derian: We’ve got all the ingredients right here.

He indicates the kitchen counter in the middle of the stage.

Derian: Peanut butter...Marshmallow Fluff...and Jamie.

Jamie blushes and flutters his eyes.

Derian: Plus a spoon. (He lifts up a large wooden spoon.) It’s important to use a spoon -- not a knife -- when you make a Langenfluffernutter.

Jamie: Very, very important.

Bruce: Why?

Derian: You will see shortly, Brucie.

Derian opens the jars of PB and Fluff, and Jamie moves to the front of the set, so all in the audience can see him.

Derian: Jamie, let’s show them the meat of a Langenfluffernutter.

Jamie turns his back to the audience, drops his shorts, and hikes up his jersey so everyone can see his bare bottom. The audience oohs and ahhs.

Bruce: Boy oh boy, that is one fine hockey ass!

Derian approaches Jamie with the PB and Fluff. He scoops out a large dollop of PB.

Derian: The peanut butter always goes on first, ‘cause it’s thicker and heavier.

He spreads the PB across Jamie’s bottom with the spoon. Jamie giggles.

Jamie: That tickles, Der!

Derian: You always say that, Jamie.

Jamie: Well, it always tickles!

Derian continues to spread PB over Jamie’s ass until it’s coated on both cheeks with a half-inch layer.

Meanwhile, at Ed’s domicile...two guys are sitting on the couch, sharing a giant bag of potato chips and a six-pack of a beverage that is not Yoo-Hoo.

Ed: Cookin’ in Big D? That’s not cookin’, it’s spreadin’!

Brett: If they called this show “Spreadin’ in Big D”, I’ll betcha more straight guys would watch.

Ed: Well, they haven’t changed the name yet, so what’s our excuse?

Brett: Today’s Ricki Lake is a rerun.

Back at the studio...

Derian is now applying the Marshmallow Fluff layer to Jamie’s butt.

Bruce: While Derian is finishing the Langenfluffernutter, let’s pause for this important message.

Commercial Break:

Jamie stands in a metropolis of stacked toilet paper rolls.

Jamie: People say that I’ve got the sweetest butt in the NHL. But sometimes, even the sweetest butts have to do things that are, well, not so sweet.

He picks up a roll of toilet paper.

Jamie: That’s why I use Tenderquilt bathroom tissue.

He unfurls a piece and rubs it against his cheek (the face kind).

Jamie: Only Tenderquilt contains tender pockets of Tenderfluff, which feel so soft as they caress the tender skin of your anus.

Then, he stands up straight and gives the camera his sternest look. Only Jamie is incapable of looking stern; he just looks more cute.

Jamie: But Tenderquilt is also strong. It cuts through the densest, thickest poop the way Derian cuts through Chris and Al. So choose the only bathroom tissue tender and tough enough for the NHL’s sweetest butt -- Tenderquilt.

An animated cherub with Jamie’s face flutters across the screen, carrying a package of Tenderquilt.


Tenderquilt tissue

So gentle yet strong

Makes pooping a tender moment of your life!

Bland-voiced Narrator: Tenderquilt...the official bathroom tissue of the American Airlines Center.

Back to the set of “Cookin’ in Big D”.

The Langenfluffernutter is finished. Jamie’s butt is now covered with a light and fluffy layer of marshmallow on top of peanut butter. It gleams in the studio lights, like freshly polished tile.

Bruce: We’re back...just in time to feast our eyes on this scrumptious Langenfluffernutter.

Derian looks on with pride.

Bruce: Who wants the first taste?

The audience members stand up and gravitate towards Jamie, bending over to lick the tasty mixture off his behind. Now this really tickles.

Jamie: Teeheeheehee!

And then...a sound touches everyone’s ears. It is a soft sound. It is a gentle sound. To people not focused on a behind, it would barely be noticeable...


The women (and gay guys) crowded around Jamie’s butt pause.

They wrinkle their noses. They slowly retreat from the half-eaten Langenfluffernutter.

Louder sounds emerge from this crowd: “Eeeeewwwww.” “Yuck.” “Gross.” “Did he cut the Limburger, or what?”

Bruce’s face lists toward a shade of olive green.

Meanwhile, back at Ed’s domicile...

Ed: Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os.

Brett: No, that’s the sound of burritos.

At the set...

The audience parts from Jamie the way pepper grains part from oil in water. And then, they all run out of the studio. Bruce included.

All that is left are Jamie, Derian, the Langenfluffernutter, and the cameramen, who have donned gas masks.

Cameraman: Union scale...gotta hang in there!

Jamie: Geez...sorry about that.

Derian: Don’t sweat it, Oreo Eyes. If those people can’t handle a Langenfluffernutter with a little added aroma, that’s their loss...but my gain.

Then, he bends over and laps up the Langenfluffernutter with those fat, sensuous lips.

Cameraman (to another cameraman): I don’t feel good about this...but I’m popping a monster woody right now.

Another Cameraman: May be time for a commerical break.

Commercial Break:

Ed, dressed in full goalie gear, sits at a table in the middle of the ice. The table is heavy with a complete nutritious breakfast: toast, orange juice (with vodka), milk, and a heaping bowlful of Hull-Os.

Ed: Hull-Os is the cereal I choose...when it’s time to test my pain medication...

He presses an ice bag to his forehead.

Ed: Because this cereal is so jam-packed with sugar that it will give you a HULL of a headache!

Meanwhile, back at Ed’s domicile...

Brett: Do you think that is funny?

On the set...

Derian has polished off the Langenfluffernutter, leaving nothing left but Jamie’s shining ass.

Derian: And now we’re going to show you a new dish.

He looks directly into the camera.

Derian: Minnesota sweet n’ sticky buns stuffed with blood sausage!

Meanwhile, back at Ed’s domicile...

Ed and Brett’s hair stands on end when Derian gives the demonstration.

Ed: Now that’s what I call cookin’!